If You Disagree With Me, You're WRONG

The lips are connected to the clit, and the fingers are connected to the moneymaker...

So, if you can believe this...  Uncle Walter picked up a couple of old Penthouse magazines the other day.  I know!  I couldn't believe it either!  Anyway, I was thumbing through one from January 2007.  I won't give you the old BS about only reading it for the articles.  I mean, I DO read the articles, but the pictures are still nice.  In this particular issue, like others, the articles are all sex themed.

The first article is titled "Five Ways to Supersize Your Sex Drive," which primarily involves food.  There is advice such as to get sweaty during sex so that your skin will be more receptive to sensation.  This is followed up with the brilliant realization "don't overdo it -- if you get too hot, you'll feel burned out instead of turned on."  Uhhhhh.... duh.

This article is on the left page.  The right page has "Top 10 First Date Conversation Killers."  Like don't talk about death.  Again, shockingly obvious!  Really, don't bum out your first date?  Then again, you're not supposed to talk about your family or the weather, either.  Or Religion.  Or Politics.  Or your childhood.  Or your health history.  Or Money.  Or Sex.  So... um... what ARE you supposed to talk about?  Quite frankly, I disagree with every single one of these things.  These are some pretty heavy deal breakers (well, except for the weather, unless you find the temperature offensive).  I think you SHOULD talk about these things, or at least touch on the topics, so that you can find out if you're compatible at all.  But I tend to be a bit more realistic than most.  At least theoretically.

The next article of note is about that mythical event (for others -- Uncle Walter is a pro!): Foreplay. and the fabled Manly "Moan Zone."  Yes, this is as absurd as it sounds.  Especially with the androgynous diagrams that Penthouse includes.  You should also... get this... listen carefully because it's a big secret... HUG!  GET OUT OF HERE!  Really?  Nah!  Really?!  And some men like nipple stimulation.  But some men don't.  But you won't know which until you try.  But he might not like it.  You just can't tell.  They even delve into the (shhhh!) naughty, by indicating that some light slapping may be in order.  What a daring magazine Penthouse is!

And finally, there is "Surprisingly Sexy."  Where we discover "unusual" things that are erotic.  Like the missionary position.  Or fingers.  Or...  ding ding, we have a weiner!  "Teeny Weenies," those poor, misunderstood miniscule manroots.  Do you know why men with tiny penises are good?  Because they try harder at things like oral sex.  Hmmmm...  This is some pretty hard-hitting discoveries there, dear Penthouse.  I can't imagine the research that must have gone into this. 

Overall I rate the educational value of this magazine at a D-.  It's not clever.  There's nothing new to be told.  And the illustrations are poor.  If you need some real information, let me know and I'll give you some.  I don't need to sugar coat sex to make it more palatable.

Sex the French Dragon way...

Having a satisfying sex life is very important for any relationship.  And thus, I offer some excerpts from Sex and the Perfect Lover: Tao, Tantra, and the Kama Sutra by Mabel Iam.  Now, experts on their own would be a bit boring, I'm sure.  So I have made them more interesting by dictating them into the Dragon voice-recognition software.  Then, just for fun, I translated that into French.  Then I realized that most of my readers aren't French.  So I translated it back again.  But by then I was too lazy to go back and copy it all the way it was.  Instead, for your reading pleasure, here are some ideas for sexual positions, complete with illustrations.  (After the jump, since it's not work safe).

What the Dragon spoke

This is the original text of the passage that I read into the voice recognition software (from the book "A Gentleman's Honor" by Stephanie Laurens), followed by the text that it supplied (and was then translated):

Dropping them, he turned to her.  Framed her face with his hands and kissed her.
Take them, she Turned to him. New to face and deal of a market.

Deeply, thoroughly, druggingly... until she was swept away, her mind whirling on a sensual tide.
An in depth, comprehensive, and lead us ... But he has no courage to keep his opinion, the importance of the principal.

Leaving one hand cupping her jaw, with the other Tony reached down and tugged the sheet from between them, then settled his body against hers.
To allow one hand, and Roald his job on the other hand, Tony new great foil for her body against him.

Letting the sheets fall, he plundered her soft mouth while with his palm he traced the
long, smooth curve from her shoulder, over the supple planes of her back to the swell
of her bottom, molding her to him, easing her beneath him, spurred by the realization
that her skin was already warm, by the immediate leap of her pulse to the caress, the
dewed flush that spread over the silken skin of her bottom, the evidence of her arousal
he discovered when he pressed his hand down between them, slid his fingers between
her thighs, and found her. Ready, waiting, urgent for him
Leaves, they Drew the soft palate, Paul Wall, he has a curve, shoulders Relaxed air to Undermine
the soft and Flexible at the end of the tree, and instruments, and their Subordinates, know that the
skin is warm and move directly to the position of love, and healing of skin tissue based on Things and
said with enthusiasm, seeing the media to put his finger over five years, if any.

He pressed her back into the bed, parted her thighs with his and filled her, surged slowly
into her, taking his time, glorying in the ease with which he could forge in, in the way she
tilted her hips and took him deep, to the fluid harmony with which they then moved,
sliding into the dance their bodies now knew so well. A different dance to any he'd
enjoyed with any other woman.
Almost ready to take immediate steps and Killed in bed, for Breaking with him and Slowly Completed
five years, grow and develop Slowly and can Easily Lorena, because it Raises the rear and the depth
of water, and then add the slide and dance through the body known. Last button for the pleasure
of another woman. 

Mouths melded, tongues tangling, hot yet languid, their bodies moved, merged, flexed to
a rhythm that held a deeper tune, a more powerful cadence.
Mother of the Existing System, but the language is Transferred to a hot body, and Suggested that
"Ending rate, the timing of a loss of deep and powerful.

A heady, dizzying delight, a pleasure that soared higher and reached deeper, that slid 
past their slik skins, through musle and bone, past straining sinews and tightening
nerves to their cores. To touch, sink into, and hold something there. Something
precious, fragile, yet strong enough to fuse their hearts.
White, dizziness, joy, more joy in other parts of the definition of skin, Muscles, bones, Tendons,
nervous and anger Tightening of monetary policy prodused. and feeling, bank, and all that. some
rare and fragile, but enough to protect her heart,

He sensed it before they'd even started to scale the peak. Their bodies held, thrummed
with, a driving urgency, yet they had the strength to dally -- neither was in any rush,
delighting instead in every small touch, each delicate caress.
according to him, even for large - scale new Heights. Their Bodies and in parallel, and the urgent
need for the trip, but they have nothing to Dowling Rushed system, but not all the little Touches,
Handles all vulnerable.

Slowly, powerfully, he rode her, feeling her body surrender and take him in, feeling the
heat of her draw him deeper, tempting him further into her fire. He went, but kept the
reins firmly in his hands, as always orchestrating the moment; after all these years, 
pleasuring women was all but second nature.
slow, difficult, and given him, feeling his body and Disposed of Acceptance and love I feel is more
difficult than ever seemed to him attractive, he is gone, but firm, hero in September in September,
as always with the time, after all the years to keep the operations of second nature.

Gradually, the tempo built. Beneath him, her body rose, meeting his, matching his,
urging him on. Her fingers, on his back, tensed, nails lightly scoring. Without easing the
steadily escalating rhythm, he drew back from the kiss, through the dimness studied her
face; her eyes were closed, her lips swollen and parted, telltale concentration etched in
every line. He thrust deeper, harder, and she gasped, her body arching greedily under
his.
Gradually, the Middle region. the physical growth and He is responsible for meeting with him and
ask him to hold. You Fingers are Foreign behind the tension in the index. Hey - Increasing the
speed of his release, he was a spy cat in the dark over his face, his ice Closed, Lips and chin
Slowly and divorce, and Concentration of each series of the hero. enter Deeper and Stronger, and
chalk, Covering her body is welcome's all.

Lifting his shoulders a fraction farther, enough to appreciate the way her body, all 
sumptuous curves and hot flushed skin, undulated with each thrust, absorbed each
forceful penetration as he rode her, filled her, he watched as he pushed her step by
slow step closer to sensual fulfillment.
lift your shoulders down,is still enough to appreciate it as an Institution, and all the Waves
Luxurious and clean skin in the direction of the Waves, Immersed in a robbery, and writing, and
make - up, and not, he said, "and Driven Slowly step by step, step, an equal Implementation,

He felt the tension inside her coil, felt her tighten beneath him, her thighs gripping his
flanks as release flickered and beckoned. Her ragged breathing filled his ears, a softer
sound overlaying his own raspy breaths. She reached for him, tried to pull him down
to her.
and Excited, his cloth , he thought the problems of the eyes, Commander of Flicker Published in
second place. Narrow Breeding filled her Ears, voice, sweet breath of look for more Dick. 

Without breaking their rhythm, he shifted his hips, pressing more intimately between
hers, then thrust deeper still, harder still.
And Seemed to want to mention. Will not tilt, famous, Rectal, is among the most foot print, and then
Pushed deep Complexity, and chalk,

She gasped, tugged, but the sight of her held him. Eventually lifting his gaze to her face,
he saw the glimmer of her eyes beneath her lashes.
"Todd, but ice the hero him. Finalli, I saw his face, he Looked in his ice relaxing under the skin .

Alicia studied his face, licked her lips, felt her world teeter. She was so close to that
joyous edge, yet, as always since that first engagement, no matter how desperate the
moment, he held to his control, waiting, watching, certain to follow her, yet still...
Alicea Kunsill of Minister of the face and lips the arrow, and the entire world knows the Teachers,
and what is life the side of happiness, but, as always, to ensure for previously, no hope, and keep
that under control, expect to see more no doubt, but still ... 

"Come with me." She struggled to find breath enough to add, "Now."
come to me and Trade to breathe just as.

His black eyes, until then hooded, opened wide -- enough for her to realize she'd asked
something no other ever had.
when it dark ice wide open - let him, he says, is Unprecedented.

Her nerves shivered, started to unravel. Dragging in a breath, she lifted a hand to his
face, traced his cheek. "Be with me. Please."
tvitter is beginning to break the short term, he was elevated You deal and face, showing his face,

She wasn't sure how, but she knew what she wanted. Needed. 
he did not know how, but he well what he wanted. he did not know content.

He knew, too. He gave a shuddering sigh; the tension rippling through him increased,
hardening his body as it rode against hers, thrust into hers.
report and said: He Raised a sigh of relief by Increasing its products, said the Strengthening of the 
body and Replaced. 

Their gazes remained locked. He shifted his weight, freed a hand, held it open close by
her head. "Give me your hand." 
equal in their look. He said the scale of the free, He Opened his head, to give a hand to help.

She did, shifting her hand from his face, watching as he interdigitated his fingers with
hers, then closed them, locking their palms. Then he rpessed their linked hands into the
pillow. "Wrap your legs about my waist."
God has his SAGE to his face, he came to his Dissatisfaction with his finger before you close it,
Laughing in house, and then Folded his SAGE, he is sweets, and Individuals. alternate put around
my waist.'s

She could barely make out the gravelly command. The silk sheets caressed her skin as
she complied, then gasped as he shifted fully over her and drove deep. Her spine
bowed, but his weight pinned her, held her down as his hips flexed in a faster, more
urgent, more compulsive rhythm.
difficult to see the group of Stones. a list of the most Caressing her skin, because it is surprising
that total and a solid and deep. charm to him, and offers weight of her hips to make fast, in case
of emergency, or Forced the pace today,

For an instant, gasping and breathless, she rode it, then she felt his eyes on her face,
met his black gaze, once again screened. Felt the flames inside rise, coalesce, fuse to
an inferno. 
Wheezing, Shortness of breath, and said that he was black and his face before,
meet the jolly green . Firefighters could fall under the bride, Mergers and safety of hell, 

He lowered his head, drove into her harder, faster, more powerfully.
and Bowed his head, by the International Criminal Police Organization, Stronger, post office and
better,

"Now." he breathed the word against her lips, then took them, took her mouth as the
conflagration roared -- and caught them. Overwhelmed them. Consumed them. As one.
Together, as she'd asked.
and said that the word is token on his lips, then they are the mouth, as fire, the Space and the
inkvisityon for. Drowning. Delete. Assembly. hovever, as Applied.

Tony felt the reins he'd released whip away, sensed them cinder, all control sundered
and gone. For only the second time in his life, he plunged into the heart of that
familiar fire with a woma, by her side. Her hand was his anchor; he clung to it as her body
tightened beneath his, closed powerfully around his, hot, scalding, driving him on, taking
him with her into the world beyond the flames, into the pleasure of sexual satiation.
admissyon is free Tony heat, such as control, for example, the sender of any dirt from God. life just
the second stage, he is Surrounded with his heart of fire is a woman Nearby. her hand was lying:
He Likes His Rigidity slobber him a strong body, Aggressive, Spalding, on him, and if the nick fire,
happy nature of Staffing.

If she wished, so he would; they whirled, joined more intimately than he'd ever been with
any other, not just their bodies but their awareness fused, experiencing together,
simultaneously soaring. Higher, then yet higher.
If they wish, and Day-Ping, freeze and said that Mediation is better, not change, and not
just your body from him, but do not use more experience, and size, then serve machine,

Until they were both gasping, bodies locked and straining. Until they were there, twined
together at the peak.
although they are all Breathless, stream of Floating Bodies, if it is, the air fan,

Until they fell, hearts thundering, senses merged, glory pouring through them. Souls as
one.
even if it is used outside or Community, please Laurie Nipples. South Korea as a whole.

So what do you think?  Does it do the book justice?

Don't have much to say... hoping for sex...

I was going to blog, but I'd rather have sex -- so I'll talk to you all tomorrow!

Tossing Salad and other phrases...

Believe it or not, Uncle Walter had a question about this.  He wanted to know what the phrase "tossing salad" or "toss my salad" means.  Oh, is he in for a big surprise, eh?  Babe, I hope you know what you're getting into.

"Tossing Salad"

To put it bluntly, this means to lick someone's asshole, or to tongue someone's asshole, specifically a dirty one. In order to understand the phrase, you really have to understand digestion.  Salad is composed of fibrous vegetables, many of which do not digest fully (ever seen corn in your crap?).  Lettuce, tomatoes, carrots, cucumbers, etc., all veggies found in salad, leave large and obvious pieces in your feces because only some of it digests.  Do you see where I'm going with this?  Yeah, not such an enticing picture is it?  In summary, to toss a salad is to lick a dirty asshole (since there could be residual food pieces)...  The question now is how long will it be before you'll be able to eat salad again?  Or rather, will you EVER want to eat a salad again?

"Get your rocks off"

This has several meanings, actually. To "rock" is to move back and forth.  "Rock" can also mean money, which is paid for sex.  And finally it can also mean "a varicolored stick candy".  To "Get off" can mean to fire a round of ammunition, or to "obtain a release".  So while this is probably the most obvious of the phrases I've done, it doesn't mean it *quite* the way you'd expect.  Most prominently, it means to gain a release by paying for it (ie hiring a hooker to get laid), but you can also translate it to getting your "stick" to fire off a round, or to move back and forth until you get a release.  Either way you choose, don't say it unless you want someone to know what you mean.  It's nice, however, to know what it REALLY means.

"Grease the Wheel"

This phrase goes back to horse-and-buggy times.  Often a wheel would squeak or make other noise while driving.  When that happened, it would get greased.  In reality the wheels should have been getting grease all along, but people didn't think about it unless the wheel started making noise. In a sexual sense this references using a box-spring mattress.  As anyone who's ever had sex on one knows, the mattresses tend to squeak with movement, much like the squeaking of the wheel of a cart.  The "grease" is an obvious euphemism for cum, and thus you "grease" the squeaking "wheel".  The wheel merely being the sexual partner, not specifically a woman.  Because of its use in common vernacular, you can use this phrase in very mixed company without most people ever guessing what exactly you're referring to.

"Lay Some Pipe"

You look it up, and all you'll get is the sexual meaning (to have intercourse).  But this is actually a very innocuous saying that has been commandeered for sexual use.  There ARE pipe-layers, and it's a real, non-sexual, job.  But if you look at the *description* of a pipe-layer?  Double entendres abound.  First you "position the pipe," then you "seal the joint," then you connect it to a "main tube"...  Nah, can't find anything sexual there!  Can you imagine the poor person who does this for a living?  Whose everyday life is made to feel sexual and dirty?  Poor pipe-layers!

What other sexual phrases would you like to know more about?

Rode hard and put away wet...

To steal yet another idea from Uncle Walter (I can do that, I'm his wife), I decided to give an history lesson, but on something a bit more risque than tissue paper.  Have you ever heard phrases that are used sexually, but you just don't know why they came about?  Here are some of my favorite "misunderstood" terms.

"Rode Hard and Put Away Wet"
Does this REALLY have to do with sex?  Nope.  This has to do with horses.  When a horse is ridden fast and for long periods of time, it must be cared for properly before it's bedded down. You rub it down, removing sweat, to cool it down after a rough ride.  In reality, it doesn't signify that the horse is well satisfied, it means that it has been mistreated and needs extra tender loving care. From a sexual standpoint, the finish up is the same, though.  When you've ridden your partner hard, do take care to rub them down and clean them off.  It's just courtesy.

"Knockin' Boots"
Think this is another cowboy reference?  Nope.  This one actually is a sexual term, but I bet it's not what you think -- since it has nothing at all to do with your feet.  A "boot" is another term for a trunk.  And a "trunk" is another term for one's rear end -- in this case the rear end of the person on the receiving end of penetration.  So when you're "knockin' boots" you are actually referring to the sound (knocking) that is made when one is having sexual intercourse with rear penetration; ie the slapping of one body against another body's butt.  "Junk in the Trunk" is also be related to this (not just big butts, people!), in the sense that a man's genitalia can be referred to as junk -- junk in the trunk then being anal sex.

"Yanking the Crank" or "Crank Yanking"
In modern nomenclature, this refers to a hand job, either given by someone else, or performed on oneself.  In reality it has to do with cars.  Specifically with the crankshaft, and specifically with the motion of the pistons into the cylinders, pushed in and out by the crankshaft.  You can see where I'm going with this, right?  But now you can feel free to use this term in mixed company -- just be ready to explain yourself when said company is quite shocked.  I have to do that a lot.

"Diddle Your Dipstick"
Another car reference here.  A dipstick is a device to measure the amount of oil in a car's engine.  When checking the oil in your car it is important for your dipstick to be as clean as possible so that you can accurately measure, since the motions and vibrations from the road can splash the oil onto it higher than it actually is.  When a rag isn't handy, you can "diddle" your dipstick, by moving it rapidly back and forth, to remove the excess oil.  Next time you're at a dinner party, you can entertain your guests by discussing how much trouble you had the last time you diddled your dipstick.

"Dip Your Wick"
But wait, you're saying... this one is way too easy.  And it is, kind of.  The obvious explanation is that the wick is a penis, and you're dipping it into a vagina.  But its HISTORY is in candle making.  Before mass production, candles were made by hand, either from tallow or wax (with tallow being cheaper since beef fat was easier to come by).  When making a tallow candle you had to dip the wick, merely a cord or string, into warmed and liquid tallow, then allow it to dry, usually by hanging it on a beam or rod.  To make the work quicker and easier, the maker would often dip both ends of the wick.  After a drying period, the wick was dipped again, then dried.  This was repeated until the candle was of a desired thickness.  (Wax candles were usually made of beeswax and thus rolled into a candle with the wick at the center.)  Quite frankly, making candles has never really interested me.  But dipping wicks always manages to grasp my attention.

What are your favorite euphemisms for sex?  And do you know what they REALLY mean?

52 weeks of sexual stupidity, otherwise known as how to disgust your lover

I like reading books about sex.  Cause, you know, I like HAVING sex.  I like to get ideas of new things to do and new ways to pleasure Uncle Walter.  So for some reason I picked up this book.  I'm not sure why.  It was probably a freebie from Adam & Eve when I was buying some toys.

This book is rather what you'd expect.  It's a book of suggestions on how to keep your sex life exciting.  Does it live up to that claim?  Well... let us take a look at some of these suggestions, shall we?

"Aphrodite's Morning Elixer"
Especially for Him with love from Her
An often unconcious turn-on for men is your personal womanly scent.  Yes, the aroma of your vagina is the elixir of the gods to the average male! [Really?  The aroma of my vagina?  That sounds so... not sexy.]  If you dab some of your secretions behind your ears and on your neck, you will suddenly be more alluring than ever, although he won't know why.  [Because of course what you want to do is smell your own "secretions" all day.]  Be sure to give him a good long hug before he leaves in the morning so that he gets a nice long whiff. [And he can wonder about the stench. "Honey, I think it may be time to take out the garbage."]
Better yet, dab your scent on his pillow, his handkerchief, his collar, wherever his nose might be, and he'll think of you all day with desire on his mind.  [Or he'll hate you because while he's at work he has to expose everyone else to your stank.  And he can't even wash it off!] Of course, whether or not you want to fess up to your little plan is strictly up to you (wink!) [Who's he going to THINK did it???]
If you want to make it especially romantic, find time to call him during the day and tell him you've been thinking of HIM all day.  You can bet this is one night he will NOT work late! [Of course not!  He's going to be in too much of a hurry to come home and change his clothes!]

Look, I'm not one of those people who thinks that women inherently stink.  I'm not going to make some "fish" joke.  But, well, it kind of screams for one, doesn't it?  Say it with me:  Eeew.

That's not all, folks, not by a long shot.  Let's look at some others:

Popover Surprise
Especially for Her with love from Him
Men, have you ever thought about ravishing your partner like one of those hunks in the romance novels?  Well, here's your chance! [We've read The Blog we know what that's REALLY like.  Trust me, most women don't want that.]
Hide yourself in a closet or the bathroom and wait for her to walk by (or you can call her to come to you if need be).  When she reaches where you are, grab her arm and pull her gently inside. [Yeah, because all your woman wants is to be grabbed and raped in a closet.] Kiss her passionately like a boy who's never kissed before, and press your erection against her. [What, slobber all over her and ram your tongue into her mouth? Oh yes, that's some sexy!] And remember, this is illicit love that must be accomplished fast befor you get caught!  [So hurry the fuck up!]  Grind against one another fully clothed.  Go ahead and finish in your pants -- make a mess! [Show her that you're a sir speedy AND that you don't care about her pleasure.  Two for the price of one!]
Of course, if you are both daring enough, you can try this scenario in the bathroom at a party, club or restaurant. [Just make sure she knows -- otherwise you may find yourself in a sticky situation, getting arrested for attempted rape and all.] The stakes will be much higher, and you will, of course, in this case want to reach your climax OUTSIDE your pants! [Better to leave a mess for a stranger to clean up -- or your host when s/he gets a surprise in their coat closet.]

But that's not all! There's surely SOMETHING worthwhile in this book.  Something that won't get you arrested or gross you out!

Hot Cross Buns
Have you ever wondered how the other half live?  Well, now is your chance! [Do you see where we're going with this yet?] Make plans to go our for a special dinner, but trade underwear before you leave. [Oh, yes, they DID go there.] He wears hers; she wears his. [Just in case you couldn't figure it out.] Make sure the underwear you bring to the evening will be reasonably comfortable for your partner. Better to skip the tiniest thong and the baggiest of boxers.  [How considerate!] Knowing you're in each other's skivvies, you will both be grinning all through your meal [Let's just hope there aren't any skid marks and those weren't her period undies.]
If you are a woman, this is also an opportunity to practice some creative flashing.  [We're back to trying to get arrested, eh?] If you wear a button down blouse, see if you can get a table where you can unbutton and give your man a quick glimpse of cleavage when you lean toward him.  As you excuse yourself to the restroom, let your dress creep up to show him just a hint of his underwear on your body. [Because whitie-tighties are a total turn on.] If you are REALLY daring, try the foot on his crotch routine under the table, or ask him to pick up your fork under the table only to give him a peek under your dress. [Oh yeah, after flashing, this is REALLY daring.] You certainly do not want to get kicked out of the restaurant, but if you're discreet no one will notice what you are doing.  You can eat your meal seductively, licking your lips and fingers while gazing into his eyes.  You can even "accidentally" brush your nipple erect through your blouse as you reach for your wine glass.
After all of this teasing, you will want to skip dessert and make your own!  One of you should excuse himself or herself to the restroom. [Who WOULDN'T want to have sex in a dirty public restroom?] (Stake it out ahead of time so that you know exactly which one you will visit.)  After a couple of minutes, meet your parter in the restroom, and treat yourselves to a "must have you right here, right now!" quickie (with lubricant assistance, of course).  [I thought you were supposed to be all hot and bothered allready?]  Switch your underwear back to their rightful owners, and leave the restaurant the happiest couple in the room. [Definitely happier than the poor sap who has to clean up after you.]

Now...  Don't you feel much better?  Completely turned on?  Totally horny??  Well, find you some secretions, get your cross-dressing ass down to a public restroom and rape someone!  Pronto!

How surgery effects your sex life -- or why the hell can't I get laid??

You'd think that the major surgery would be the worst part of all of this.  No... not really.  The hardest part is being horny and having no real good outlet.  Mobility is minimal, flexibility nil, and strenuous activity causes pain.  So what to do? Do you weather the pain?  Or do you wait and wait and wait, and get hornier and hornier and hornier, or do you try to convince him to do *something* damnit, since anything is better than nothing, or do you just give in and do it yourself, even though that won't feel as good?  There's no good answer.  But whatever the equivalent of "blue balls" is for a woman, I've got it.

Ironically, Uncle Walter is not averse to me taking some pleasure elsewhere, and I'm not averse to taking him up on that offer.  It's timing and location that are at play here.  *sigh*  Maybe I'll make the guy pay for the hotel room, and measure him before hand???

Sounds like a possible plan for me.  At least UW isn't left wanting.  I always take care of HIM.  Bending is possible.  :D

Sex Education For Girls...

As a follow up to yesterday's post, we now bring you sex education for girls.  Okay, guys, we mean it!  No cheating!  This is for girls only!

First, we must show the ideal woman:

Yes, the ideal woman has very little hair, a near monoboob, and a bush that you could use for topiary.  Isn't she gorgeous?   Of course she is.  This is the beauty you should always strive for.  Ignore her despondant, far off, tortured expression.

I know what you're really asking, though.  What does a woman look like on *whisper* the inside??

 Notice the blood just oozing out of her. That, dear girls, is menstruation.  And that is all you need to know.  Really, there's not much else about it.

But not to be unfair to the girls, here is what boys look like:

If you have any questions, please feel free to do just this -- stare enraptured at your younger brother's crotch while he's in the tub.  It won't make him feel uncomfortable or anything.  And your mom won't get mad.  Who would find this disturbing??

And that is all you REALLY need to know.  You don't think so?  Well... okay, you're right.  There is just a little more you need to know.

This is how you have sex.  That's right.  There's nothing more to it.  You will get smooshed, have a transparant leg, and no feet or head.  You will, unfortunately, enjoy this about as much as it looks like you will.  Especially with a guy that poorly endowed.  I'm not sure what happened to the rest of her internal organs, but this is all the important bits.  Please take note of the random boob.  This is so you know which is the man and which is the woman.  I'm sure it helps.

Any questions?  No?  Good.  Because I have some more things to cover, you see.  Eventually you will experience the wonders of your first crush.  This picture explains it all.  A crush is when a weird older woman teacher has the hots for you.

Don't worry about  your friends.  They may be jealous, but the cougar will soon move on to other prey.

Does this make you question your sexuality?  It might, but don't worry, I have some information for you on just that topic! 

How do you know if you're gay?  It's simple to tell, really.

If you are more interested in the boob that the little girl is pointing at, than the ice cream that the Fonzi look alike is bringing you?  Yeah, then you're gay.

If that's the case, don't worry about birth control, cause you can't make a baby with a matching set.

If, however, you find that you are NOT gay, you must use birth control before having sex.  Here are the devices available:

Through tube socks, toothpaste and doughnuts, of course!  Now, we're not going to actually tell you what to DO with the tube sock, toothpaste and doughnut.  We'll leave that up to the boys to teach you.  Because we all know how eager a boy will be to use protection.  And we're only teaching it to them.

What, that's not helpful??? Okay, we'll let you in on a few more secrets.  That thing that looks like a plate?  That's a sperm trampoline.  And that thing that looks like a clam eating some tic-tacs?  That is your standard pack of birth control pills.

This is all self-explanatory, isn't it?  Good.  I knew it would be.

We're almost done!  I'm sure you want to knw what to do when the babies eventually come.  As they will when you realize that toothpaste, tube socks, trampolines, doughnuts and clams don't REALLY stop babies.

Instead, this is what you'll face:

Pay no attention to how stretched out and bulbous your vagina will become.  I'm sure it will bounce right back into a tight, virginal opening again.

 First, the doctor will perform the necessary surgery of leg amputation.  How else will he be able to see the baby coming out?  I'm sure he'll be able to sew that leg right back on when he's done.

Then you will expell the baby from your body.  This will not hurt at all.  Surely if it hurt there would be SOME expression on this woman's face.  We all know that pictures don't lie.

Since the labor will be painless and easy, and all that swelling will go down, you will, of course, find yourself pregnant many more times.

Ultimately you will have to find something to do with your children, but don't worry.  We have an answer to that as well.

What will you do, then, you might ask?

Pimp them out, of course!  You'll dress them smartly, and hang out on the steps to haggle the prices for their favors.

That's what a good parent would do.  And after all, they have to earn their keep somehow, don't they? Selfish little buggers thinking that they can mooch off of you indefinitely!

Don't be a pushover.  They'll come to like it in time.  Don't even ask what they plan on doing with the dog.  You REALLY don't want to know that.