If You Disagree With Me, You're WRONG

You can pick a lover, and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your lover's... you get the idea...

What really did happen to the sexual revolution?  Did AIDS destroy it?  Because, dear readers, believe it or not, there was at one point a whole... society of people that recognized that SEX IS NOT A BAD THING.  And, more than that, SEX CAN BE FUN.  And even MORE than that *sex need not be limited to one relationship consisting of 2 people of the opposite sex.*  Knowing that, many people were able to have fulfilling sex lives with a single person of their choce, or many, many people of their choice -- sometimes at the same time -- or any number in between.

The biggest problem is my younger eyes, since I not only missed the revolution but I missed the war.  I can only see the effects that the ending had on the rest of us. And the ending is a bit of a "one step forward, two steps back" kind of thing.  We, as a society, made leaps and bounds, but then we turned our backs on what we found.  The players got older and success required them to play by certain rules. Personally, I've never been good at following rules.

Wesley L. Ford has written a book for a personal sexual revolution for women, Picking a Lover.  I haven't read it yet, but feel a compulsive need to talk about it.  See, Mr. Ford posted a question related to his book on an Amazon.com forum and received an obnoxious "welcome" by some people who consider themselves the forum police.  Oh, and my stalker!  So between the two of them, this poor guy was lambasted.  Once for having an opinion that frightens a lot of people, and again for associating with me (by responding to my comments on his post).

Since we can't discuss the book over there without risking the wrath of the mighty "report abuse" button, we're continuing the discussion in our forum.  If you'd like to hear more on my thoughts about sex within or outside of the confines of marriage, and my opinions on the benefits of lovers, please leave a comment -- or better yet, join our forum and discuss it with the author himself!

The lips are connected to the clit, and the fingers are connected to the moneymaker...

So, if you can believe this...  Uncle Walter picked up a couple of old Penthouse magazines the other day.  I know!  I couldn't believe it either!  Anyway, I was thumbing through one from January 2007.  I won't give you the old BS about only reading it for the articles.  I mean, I DO read the articles, but the pictures are still nice.  In this particular issue, like others, the articles are all sex themed.

The first article is titled "Five Ways to Supersize Your Sex Drive," which primarily involves food.  There is advice such as to get sweaty during sex so that your skin will be more receptive to sensation.  This is followed up with the brilliant realization "don't overdo it -- if you get too hot, you'll feel burned out instead of turned on."  Uhhhhh.... duh.

This article is on the left page.  The right page has "Top 10 First Date Conversation Killers."  Like don't talk about death.  Again, shockingly obvious!  Really, don't bum out your first date?  Then again, you're not supposed to talk about your family or the weather, either.  Or Religion.  Or Politics.  Or your childhood.  Or your health history.  Or Money.  Or Sex.  So... um... what ARE you supposed to talk about?  Quite frankly, I disagree with every single one of these things.  These are some pretty heavy deal breakers (well, except for the weather, unless you find the temperature offensive).  I think you SHOULD talk about these things, or at least touch on the topics, so that you can find out if you're compatible at all.  But I tend to be a bit more realistic than most.  At least theoretically.

The next article of note is about that mythical event (for others -- Uncle Walter is a pro!): Foreplay. and the fabled Manly "Moan Zone."  Yes, this is as absurd as it sounds.  Especially with the androgynous diagrams that Penthouse includes.  You should also... get this... listen carefully because it's a big secret... HUG!  GET OUT OF HERE!  Really?  Nah!  Really?!  And some men like nipple stimulation.  But some men don't.  But you won't know which until you try.  But he might not like it.  You just can't tell.  They even delve into the (shhhh!) naughty, by indicating that some light slapping may be in order.  What a daring magazine Penthouse is!

And finally, there is "Surprisingly Sexy."  Where we discover "unusual" things that are erotic.  Like the missionary position.  Or fingers.  Or...  ding ding, we have a weiner!  "Teeny Weenies," those poor, misunderstood miniscule manroots.  Do you know why men with tiny penises are good?  Because they try harder at things like oral sex.  Hmmmm...  This is some pretty hard-hitting discoveries there, dear Penthouse.  I can't imagine the research that must have gone into this. 

Overall I rate the educational value of this magazine at a D-.  It's not clever.  There's nothing new to be told.  And the illustrations are poor.  If you need some real information, let me know and I'll give you some.  I don't need to sugar coat sex to make it more palatable.

You've never tried a pad like this. GUARANTEED.

Such is the claim of Always's latest product, Infinity.  For those of you who don't know, Always is the brand name for a Proctor & Gamble feminine product.  Specifically what is known as a "maxi pad."  This is used, by women, when their ovarian dams burst.  Something has to catch the blood when you're hemorrhaging like a horse.  Some women use tampons, which are like little cotton sticks that you stick up your twat.  But I find them very uncomfortable.  I can feel them when I use them, and the one thing I don't want to constantly be aware of is my crotch.

Prior to the 1980s, women wore what is known as a sanitary belt.  This was like a garter belt with a connector in the frond and the back, to which women would attach a piece of cloth to soak up the flow.  This is why menstruation is often referred to as being "on the rag."  Thankfully I wasn't around for things like that.  I like the stick on option, and I love that Always has "wings" -- which are wrap around flaps to hold the blood better.

So when Always came out with this new style, I was kind of excited.  They're much thinnerer than even the regular ultra things, yet they're supposed to have awesome flow control.  Last night I tried them.  There are two things to keep in mind with me.  First, I never have more or less than a "regular" flow, so I don't need super or light or anything else but "regular" strength.  Second, I don't have problems with leakage at night, so even when sleeping, I have never needed big honking pads.  Which is nice!  I'm a lucky woman.

My first impression was that they were VERY comfortable.  It reminded me of the episode of the Simpsons where Marge broke her leg.  It started out with the family skiing, and Homer runs into Ned Flanders on the slopes.  Ned is wearing a skin-tight ski suit and shakes his butt saying "Feels like I'm wearing nothing at all!"  So the comfort level was AWESOME. My second impression was that it had good coverage.  It's a long pad that has a wider back end, which should offer better protection.  All good news!

In to bed I go, and after several hours I finally fall asleep.  I wake up feeling clean, don't see any leakage, there's none on the bed.  We're all good.

Until I stand up.  Then the flood gates open.  Occasionally this has happened before.  If I spend the night on my back, the flow tends to get stuck up in there and just hang out.  With the thin maxis, the pad manages to catch it before it goes anywhere else.  The Infinity, however, had nearly no absorption power.  Leakage everywhere.  Down my legs, onto my undies, onto my pajama bottoms.  All covered.  When I went to clean up, the flow did not seem to be intense enough for that kind of explosive reaction.

I've heard from a friend that the Super absorption level is better, so I will probably give that a try.  But given that I can get 90 pad packs of the Thin Regular from Costco, I suspect that the Infinity will NOT be worth the extra money for me.

Edited to add an update:

Wore them today, and still awful luck.  The first one worked well enough, but the second one leaked again.  I'm TOTALLY going to make claim on that guarantee and get my money back.  Don't waste yours on these pads.  They're not worth the extra money.

The road to hell is paved with goods intentions... and stupidity...

As you probably know by now, I have little tolerance for idiots.  I am not, however, unreasonable about it. I can forgive a little bit of ignorance, with the expectation that if someone IS ignorant, they will make every attempt to educate themselves, especially with regards to their child's safety.

I admit that I am a bit of a carseat nut.  When I was very young, I once witnessed the aftermath of an accident, in which a baby (held on its mother's lap) went through the windshield of the car.  Until you've seen something like that, you can not appreciate the horror of it.  So I figure that if there is ANY way to prevent something like that from happening, then I will do it -- and quite frankly, I expect others to as well.  I am usually disappointed.

Once, while wearing a jacket with the name of a government agency on it, I actually followed a car that had an improperly installed carseat, and when they pulled over I got out, approached them, and then installed the seat properly for them!  Given the name on the jacket, I'm sure they were a bit frightened, but at least I can rest easily knowing that there's one more child out there that is a bit more protected.

There aren't that many things that you can do to protect someone else's child, but there IS something simple and easy: stop donating your old carseats!  Or, rather, don't donate a carseat that is outdated (too old, not just an older model), one that is inherently less safe (an overhead shield), or, most importantly, that has been in an accident.  For god's sake, any carseat that has been in a moderate to severe accident must be destroyed.  If you know a carseat is unsafe, then you should destroy it (overhead shield carseats, as seen here, are actually shown to CAUSE injury).  And if your carseat is over 6 years old, it should be destroyed (the plastic breaks down after five to six years, and is therefore more likely to fail in an accident).

There are services available to get free to low-priced carseats if you can't afford one (thanks to bellaonline.com for writing up the information).  There are people who are willing to directly donate or sell carseats that have a verified background.  And there are even low-cost NEW carseats available (for as low as $50, not even on sale).  Even carseats that are made by terrible companies (*cough* Cosco *cough*) are better than anything you're going to get at the thrift store.  As long as you use the carseat properly EACH AND EVERY TIME, and you keep up with recalls, you will be protecting your child to the best of your ability.  But using a carseat wrong is even more dangerous than any of the problems that I listed.  If your carseat resembles any of these photos, then your child could DIE, understand?  So be careful.  Because no matter how YOU feel, your child matters to ME.

Tattoo Designs...

Some ideas -- no black background, just the colored lightsabers, with the words above them (the words will be larger than this, but I just put this together quickly).  My skin is very pale, so the colors will show up really well.  So which one? (Click on the pictures for a larger image.

Sex the French Dragon way...

Having a satisfying sex life is very important for any relationship.  And thus, I offer some excerpts from Sex and the Perfect Lover: Tao, Tantra, and the Kama Sutra by Mabel Iam.  Now, experts on their own would be a bit boring, I'm sure.  So I have made them more interesting by dictating them into the Dragon voice-recognition software.  Then, just for fun, I translated that into French.  Then I realized that most of my readers aren't French.  So I translated it back again.  But by then I was too lazy to go back and copy it all the way it was.  Instead, for your reading pleasure, here are some ideas for sexual positions, complete with illustrations.  (After the jump, since it's not work safe).

Tossing Salad and other phrases...

Believe it or not, Uncle Walter had a question about this.  He wanted to know what the phrase "tossing salad" or "toss my salad" means.  Oh, is he in for a big surprise, eh?  Babe, I hope you know what you're getting into.

"Tossing Salad"

To put it bluntly, this means to lick someone's asshole, or to tongue someone's asshole, specifically a dirty one. In order to understand the phrase, you really have to understand digestion.  Salad is composed of fibrous vegetables, many of which do not digest fully (ever seen corn in your crap?).  Lettuce, tomatoes, carrots, cucumbers, etc., all veggies found in salad, leave large and obvious pieces in your feces because only some of it digests.  Do you see where I'm going with this?  Yeah, not such an enticing picture is it?  In summary, to toss a salad is to lick a dirty asshole (since there could be residual food pieces)...  The question now is how long will it be before you'll be able to eat salad again?  Or rather, will you EVER want to eat a salad again?

"Get your rocks off"

This has several meanings, actually. To "rock" is to move back and forth.  "Rock" can also mean money, which is paid for sex.  And finally it can also mean "a varicolored stick candy".  To "Get off" can mean to fire a round of ammunition, or to "obtain a release".  So while this is probably the most obvious of the phrases I've done, it doesn't mean it *quite* the way you'd expect.  Most prominently, it means to gain a release by paying for it (ie hiring a hooker to get laid), but you can also translate it to getting your "stick" to fire off a round, or to move back and forth until you get a release.  Either way you choose, don't say it unless you want someone to know what you mean.  It's nice, however, to know what it REALLY means.

"Grease the Wheel"

This phrase goes back to horse-and-buggy times.  Often a wheel would squeak or make other noise while driving.  When that happened, it would get greased.  In reality the wheels should have been getting grease all along, but people didn't think about it unless the wheel started making noise. In a sexual sense this references using a box-spring mattress.  As anyone who's ever had sex on one knows, the mattresses tend to squeak with movement, much like the squeaking of the wheel of a cart.  The "grease" is an obvious euphemism for cum, and thus you "grease" the squeaking "wheel".  The wheel merely being the sexual partner, not specifically a woman.  Because of its use in common vernacular, you can use this phrase in very mixed company without most people ever guessing what exactly you're referring to.

"Lay Some Pipe"

You look it up, and all you'll get is the sexual meaning (to have intercourse).  But this is actually a very innocuous saying that has been commandeered for sexual use.  There ARE pipe-layers, and it's a real, non-sexual, job.  But if you look at the *description* of a pipe-layer?  Double entendres abound.  First you "position the pipe," then you "seal the joint," then you connect it to a "main tube"...  Nah, can't find anything sexual there!  Can you imagine the poor person who does this for a living?  Whose everyday life is made to feel sexual and dirty?  Poor pipe-layers!

What other sexual phrases would you like to know more about?

When a man is a woman he can do no wrong...

When I was pregnant with my daughter, I had an irrational fear.  A deep and frightening worry that my little girl would be born with something called "Ambiguous Genitalia." There was nothing or no one who could convince me that she would be born healthy and "normal" until her actual birth and I could see for myself that she was healthy, whole and completely female. 

But 1 out of every 15,000 live births results in an intersexed child, also known as a "pseudo hermaphrodite" and while I was one of the lucky ones, not everyone is.  Those children are born with parts that don't automatically indicate whether they're a boy or a girl.  They either have a very large clitoris, or a very small penis (photos after jump)

Rode hard and put away wet...

To steal yet another idea from Uncle Walter (I can do that, I'm his wife), I decided to give an history lesson, but on something a bit more risque than tissue paper.  Have you ever heard phrases that are used sexually, but you just don't know why they came about?  Here are some of my favorite "misunderstood" terms.

"Rode Hard and Put Away Wet"
Does this REALLY have to do with sex?  Nope.  This has to do with horses.  When a horse is ridden fast and for long periods of time, it must be cared for properly before it's bedded down. You rub it down, removing sweat, to cool it down after a rough ride.  In reality, it doesn't signify that the horse is well satisfied, it means that it has been mistreated and needs extra tender loving care. From a sexual standpoint, the finish up is the same, though.  When you've ridden your partner hard, do take care to rub them down and clean them off.  It's just courtesy.

"Knockin' Boots"
Think this is another cowboy reference?  Nope.  This one actually is a sexual term, but I bet it's not what you think -- since it has nothing at all to do with your feet.  A "boot" is another term for a trunk.  And a "trunk" is another term for one's rear end -- in this case the rear end of the person on the receiving end of penetration.  So when you're "knockin' boots" you are actually referring to the sound (knocking) that is made when one is having sexual intercourse with rear penetration; ie the slapping of one body against another body's butt.  "Junk in the Trunk" is also be related to this (not just big butts, people!), in the sense that a man's genitalia can be referred to as junk -- junk in the trunk then being anal sex.

"Yanking the Crank" or "Crank Yanking"
In modern nomenclature, this refers to a hand job, either given by someone else, or performed on oneself.  In reality it has to do with cars.  Specifically with the crankshaft, and specifically with the motion of the pistons into the cylinders, pushed in and out by the crankshaft.  You can see where I'm going with this, right?  But now you can feel free to use this term in mixed company -- just be ready to explain yourself when said company is quite shocked.  I have to do that a lot.

"Diddle Your Dipstick"
Another car reference here.  A dipstick is a device to measure the amount of oil in a car's engine.  When checking the oil in your car it is important for your dipstick to be as clean as possible so that you can accurately measure, since the motions and vibrations from the road can splash the oil onto it higher than it actually is.  When a rag isn't handy, you can "diddle" your dipstick, by moving it rapidly back and forth, to remove the excess oil.  Next time you're at a dinner party, you can entertain your guests by discussing how much trouble you had the last time you diddled your dipstick.

"Dip Your Wick"
But wait, you're saying... this one is way too easy.  And it is, kind of.  The obvious explanation is that the wick is a penis, and you're dipping it into a vagina.  But its HISTORY is in candle making.  Before mass production, candles were made by hand, either from tallow or wax (with tallow being cheaper since beef fat was easier to come by).  When making a tallow candle you had to dip the wick, merely a cord or string, into warmed and liquid tallow, then allow it to dry, usually by hanging it on a beam or rod.  To make the work quicker and easier, the maker would often dip both ends of the wick.  After a drying period, the wick was dipped again, then dried.  This was repeated until the candle was of a desired thickness.  (Wax candles were usually made of beeswax and thus rolled into a candle with the wick at the center.)  Quite frankly, making candles has never really interested me.  But dipping wicks always manages to grasp my attention.

What are your favorite euphemisms for sex?  And do you know what they REALLY mean?

52 weeks of sexual stupidity, otherwise known as how to disgust your lover

I like reading books about sex.  Cause, you know, I like HAVING sex.  I like to get ideas of new things to do and new ways to pleasure Uncle Walter.  So for some reason I picked up this book.  I'm not sure why.  It was probably a freebie from Adam & Eve when I was buying some toys.

This book is rather what you'd expect.  It's a book of suggestions on how to keep your sex life exciting.  Does it live up to that claim?  Well... let us take a look at some of these suggestions, shall we?

"Aphrodite's Morning Elixer"
Especially for Him with love from Her
An often unconcious turn-on for men is your personal womanly scent.  Yes, the aroma of your vagina is the elixir of the gods to the average male! [Really?  The aroma of my vagina?  That sounds so... not sexy.]  If you dab some of your secretions behind your ears and on your neck, you will suddenly be more alluring than ever, although he won't know why.  [Because of course what you want to do is smell your own "secretions" all day.]  Be sure to give him a good long hug before he leaves in the morning so that he gets a nice long whiff. [And he can wonder about the stench. "Honey, I think it may be time to take out the garbage."]
Better yet, dab your scent on his pillow, his handkerchief, his collar, wherever his nose might be, and he'll think of you all day with desire on his mind.  [Or he'll hate you because while he's at work he has to expose everyone else to your stank.  And he can't even wash it off!] Of course, whether or not you want to fess up to your little plan is strictly up to you (wink!) [Who's he going to THINK did it???]
If you want to make it especially romantic, find time to call him during the day and tell him you've been thinking of HIM all day.  You can bet this is one night he will NOT work late! [Of course not!  He's going to be in too much of a hurry to come home and change his clothes!]

Look, I'm not one of those people who thinks that women inherently stink.  I'm not going to make some "fish" joke.  But, well, it kind of screams for one, doesn't it?  Say it with me:  Eeew.

That's not all, folks, not by a long shot.  Let's look at some others:

Popover Surprise
Especially for Her with love from Him
Men, have you ever thought about ravishing your partner like one of those hunks in the romance novels?  Well, here's your chance! [We've read The Blog we know what that's REALLY like.  Trust me, most women don't want that.]
Hide yourself in a closet or the bathroom and wait for her to walk by (or you can call her to come to you if need be).  When she reaches where you are, grab her arm and pull her gently inside. [Yeah, because all your woman wants is to be grabbed and raped in a closet.] Kiss her passionately like a boy who's never kissed before, and press your erection against her. [What, slobber all over her and ram your tongue into her mouth? Oh yes, that's some sexy!] And remember, this is illicit love that must be accomplished fast befor you get caught!  [So hurry the fuck up!]  Grind against one another fully clothed.  Go ahead and finish in your pants -- make a mess! [Show her that you're a sir speedy AND that you don't care about her pleasure.  Two for the price of one!]
Of course, if you are both daring enough, you can try this scenario in the bathroom at a party, club or restaurant. [Just make sure she knows -- otherwise you may find yourself in a sticky situation, getting arrested for attempted rape and all.] The stakes will be much higher, and you will, of course, in this case want to reach your climax OUTSIDE your pants! [Better to leave a mess for a stranger to clean up -- or your host when s/he gets a surprise in their coat closet.]

But that's not all! There's surely SOMETHING worthwhile in this book.  Something that won't get you arrested or gross you out!

Hot Cross Buns
Have you ever wondered how the other half live?  Well, now is your chance! [Do you see where we're going with this yet?] Make plans to go our for a special dinner, but trade underwear before you leave. [Oh, yes, they DID go there.] He wears hers; she wears his. [Just in case you couldn't figure it out.] Make sure the underwear you bring to the evening will be reasonably comfortable for your partner. Better to skip the tiniest thong and the baggiest of boxers.  [How considerate!] Knowing you're in each other's skivvies, you will both be grinning all through your meal [Let's just hope there aren't any skid marks and those weren't her period undies.]
If you are a woman, this is also an opportunity to practice some creative flashing.  [We're back to trying to get arrested, eh?] If you wear a button down blouse, see if you can get a table where you can unbutton and give your man a quick glimpse of cleavage when you lean toward him.  As you excuse yourself to the restroom, let your dress creep up to show him just a hint of his underwear on your body. [Because whitie-tighties are a total turn on.] If you are REALLY daring, try the foot on his crotch routine under the table, or ask him to pick up your fork under the table only to give him a peek under your dress. [Oh yeah, after flashing, this is REALLY daring.] You certainly do not want to get kicked out of the restaurant, but if you're discreet no one will notice what you are doing.  You can eat your meal seductively, licking your lips and fingers while gazing into his eyes.  You can even "accidentally" brush your nipple erect through your blouse as you reach for your wine glass.
After all of this teasing, you will want to skip dessert and make your own!  One of you should excuse himself or herself to the restroom. [Who WOULDN'T want to have sex in a dirty public restroom?] (Stake it out ahead of time so that you know exactly which one you will visit.)  After a couple of minutes, meet your parter in the restroom, and treat yourselves to a "must have you right here, right now!" quickie (with lubricant assistance, of course).  [I thought you were supposed to be all hot and bothered allready?]  Switch your underwear back to their rightful owners, and leave the restaurant the happiest couple in the room. [Definitely happier than the poor sap who has to clean up after you.]

Now...  Don't you feel much better?  Completely turned on?  Totally horny??  Well, find you some secretions, get your cross-dressing ass down to a public restroom and rape someone!  Pronto!