If You Disagree With Me, You're WRONG

"Cock-a-doodle-do" or "Any cock'll do"???

This may come as a surprise to you, but *I am not a man.*  Thus, while my interests are many and varied, they are probably a bit different than they would be if I were penile-y endowed.  So you must forgive me for not automatically grasping all the nuances of what catches the male eye.  On a whole, however, I think (being the smart cookie that I am) that I can make some educated guesses as to things that men might like.

1) Sex

2) Gadgets

3) Sex

4) Outdoorsy-type-stuff

5) Sex...

Okay, maybe I'm harping on too many stereotypes, but you get the idea.

That being the case, imagine you are me.  While at the bookstore, you espy the following:

A simple magazine display, correct?  Ah, but check closer!

Now scan down a bit:

Do you see it?  First, let me say, I was a bit surprised to discover that men would be so interested in animals (dogs in specific).  I mean, I guess dogs can be used for... hunting and stuff.  And that's cool!  Don't get me wrong here!  Horses?  Sure, I dig the cowboy thing!  But do you see what I saw?

Let me get this straight...  While I've been assuming that men would be drawn to something like this:

They're really hankering for a bit of this?

Oh, yeah, baby!  That's one sexy chick!  In the context of what might be of interest men, I sure hope this falls under #4, "outdoorsy" -- 'cause I'm not sure I want to visualize the other options.  (Unless it's a ROBOT chicken, I doubt it falls under #2!  Ha!  I'm funny.)

Write what you know; or you don't know what the fuck you're talking about... literally...

I primarily read trashy romance novels.  I like 'em.  They're non-threatening, and they make great fodder for the blogs.  But too often the sexual descriptions are unbelievably bad.

Look, I like sex.  I've had a lot of it.  There's not much I HAVEN'T done, to be honest.  And little left that I'd like to try.  So I have a fairly decent grasp on what we're working with.  I know whether desire is slicing through my sex or not.  It's not.

When I'm reading a trashy romance novel, and come to a "love" scene, I expect, I suppose, that the author has some basic working knowledge of anatomy and the sexual act.  Even putting aside the flowery phrases, they should at least understand Insert Tab A into Slot B.

Recently I read my first mainstream "romantica" book -- a stupid name, as there really is no such thing.  Erotica with a hint of romance does not a romance make, and the hint of romance is barely more than an excuse for the sex.  It's porn for women, and a way for them to justify reading it.  Which is just stupid.  If you want to read porn, just read it, and stop feeling bad about it.  If you feel like you have to hide it, then maybe you need to work on your sexual hang-ups rather than wasting your time reading about the sex you wish you were having.

Don't believe me as to how bad they are?  Trust me.  It's not just that the writing is bad...  or that the stories are stupid... it's that the descriptions are just so unbelievable!  Horny?  Fine. But don't tell me that her "womb" was "spasming" with desire!  I've had children.  Trust me, desire doesn't make your "womb spasm" -- labor does that.

If you're going to do a little rear entry action, you had better use lube!  If you're claiming the man is extraordinarily well endowed, you'd better not try to tell me that she took "all of him" in her mouth!  And if the "hero" is 6'4" and the "heroine" is 5'4", don't even THINK about pretending that, standing up, he bent over and licked her breast.  Can you imagine the contortions involved in THAT?  My back hurts just thinking about it!

Which leads me to further wonder... have the *editors* ever had sex?  Do they even READ the descriptions?  How can they let "manroot" get by???  MANROOT, people. If the tip of the penis looks (and apparently smells) like a musky peach -- GO TO THE DOCTOR.  If it's red like a plum?  YOU HAVE AN STD.  GET HELP.

What it basically comes down to is that if you haven't done it, you're better off not writing about it.  If you've never lived a polyamourous lifestyle, you're going to have a hell of a time writing about it.  THAT involves doing a hell of a lot of research if you DON'T know.  Same with sex.  Either go out and have it, stop writing about it, or talk to people who know what they're doing.  Ones you trust not to pull your leg about it, too.  That might explain Manroot, huh?

You can pick a lover, and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your lover's... you get the idea...

What really did happen to the sexual revolution?  Did AIDS destroy it?  Because, dear readers, believe it or not, there was at one point a whole... society of people that recognized that SEX IS NOT A BAD THING.  And, more than that, SEX CAN BE FUN.  And even MORE than that *sex need not be limited to one relationship consisting of 2 people of the opposite sex.*  Knowing that, many people were able to have fulfilling sex lives with a single person of their choce, or many, many people of their choice -- sometimes at the same time -- or any number in between.

The biggest problem is my younger eyes, since I not only missed the revolution but I missed the war.  I can only see the effects that the ending had on the rest of us. And the ending is a bit of a "one step forward, two steps back" kind of thing.  We, as a society, made leaps and bounds, but then we turned our backs on what we found.  The players got older and success required them to play by certain rules. Personally, I've never been good at following rules.

Wesley L. Ford has written a book for a personal sexual revolution for women, Picking a Lover.  I haven't read it yet, but feel a compulsive need to talk about it.  See, Mr. Ford posted a question related to his book on an Amazon.com forum and received an obnoxious "welcome" by some people who consider themselves the forum police.  Oh, and my stalker!  So between the two of them, this poor guy was lambasted.  Once for having an opinion that frightens a lot of people, and again for associating with me (by responding to my comments on his post).

Since we can't discuss the book over there without risking the wrath of the mighty "report abuse" button, we're continuing the discussion in our forum.  If you'd like to hear more on my thoughts about sex within or outside of the confines of marriage, and my opinions on the benefits of lovers, please leave a comment -- or better yet, join our forum and discuss it with the author himself!

The Forum is Working!

Sorry for the problems!  The forum should be fixed now.  Go to http://www.rottenromance.com/forum! 

Wesley, if you want to start a discussion, you can do it here, too.

Just leave it in the comments here, and we can bring it over to the forum later.  It's up to you.  After we chat, I'll post some info on your book.  :D

Edited to say:  We need to chat so that you can give me the info to post.  Since you deleted the Amazon post I don't have the web address anymore.

Just keep in mind, I have a decent readership, so don't let the low forum #s fool you -- that's changing.  :)

Dianetics is BORING! Sheesh!

So I was going to write a couple of posts about Scientology, and in an effort to prepare, I've been trying to read Dianetics.  But honestly?  The book sucks!  It's boring and stupid, and I fall asleep while reading it.

So instead of Scientology, I'm just going to go back to my regularly scheduled programming.  If I ever make it through that damned book, I'll cover it then.

So. Much. Smut...

Uncle Walter just built me (well, us) a new bookshelf.  The dear man built it, as we're wont to do, out of reclaimed wood.  Isn't as fancy as what someone would buy, and sure, some of the shelves are a bit warped.  But that's okay.  It's 100% recycled materials, custom made and made with love.  Needed to be big, for all of our romance novels.  How big is custom made/big? 84" x 50".  And it's FILLED.  To the brim.  With smut.  The bookshelf next to it, which is about 40" x 14" is filled.  The shelves in our walk-in closet are filled.  The shelves downstairs are filled.  There are still some under the bed, still some in boxes, and maybe some still out in the garage.  Soooo much smut!

Birds of a feather rape together...

*sigh*  I'm getting really tired of reading about rapists and deviants.  You think I *like* having to comment on these types of stories?  I don't, truly.  But what else am I supposed to do when I read about things like this?

In case you didn't know, or didn't read the link, the French Culture Minister, Frederic Mitterrand, has written a pseudo-autobiographical novel in which he describes, in detail, hiring young (child) male prostitutes while in Thailand.  While he DOES admit to hiring prostitutes, even YOUNG prostitutes,  he claims that the boys were "his age, or maybe five years younger."  Even though he refers to them as "garcon" -- which is a commonly associated with young males -- he's claiming that the implication that they were children is the "fictional" part (or a misunderstanding of his intent).  I'm not buying that, at all. When called on to resign, since this is not the image that most French citizens want presented to the world, he has claimed that he is being persecuted as part of a political conspiracy.  Couldn't possibly be out of disgust for his actions.

Mitterrand has shed tainted light onto his position as a representative of his country.  In addition, as an openly gay man, he has also given fodder to the ignorant, who will now use this as fuel to continue to claim that homosexuality is somehow linked to pedophilia.  He has set back gay rights by his actions, and for that alone he should not receive acclaim.

Who, you might ask, would GIVE this man acclaim?  Why, French President Nicolas Sarkozy, of course!  He has said that Mitterrand is "courageous and talented."  Really?  Writing "My boy didn't say a word, he stood before me, immobile, his eyes still straight ahead and a half-smile on his lips. I wanted him so badly I was trembling" is courageous?  How about disgusting?  Reprehensible?  Sickening?  Nauseating?  I can keep coming up with adjectives if you want.  Either way, it says a lot about a man who can read that and then admire the author.  Then again... it's not like Sarkozy is a model of good behavior, taste and tact.  His marriage history would rival many a dysfunctional hollywood relationship.

And finally, of course, the nail in the reprehensible coffin of the charming man that Mitterrand clearly is (note: sarcasm), he has publicly stated, in regards to Roman Polanski: "To see him thrown to the lions for an old story that really has no meaning, and to see him alone, imprisoned, when he was going to attend a ceremony where he was to be honored, that is to say, he was trapped, it's absolutely horrifying."  Yes, I suppose to a man who rapes young boys, this IS horrifying, as it could just as easily be him one day.

While there should absolutely be freedom of speech, there must also be accountability for what you write -- but most especially for what you DO.  And these men have already gotten away with too much.  Rather than lauding them, Sarkozy would do better to distance himself from both of them and show us that he's not someone who sympathizes or empathizes with child rapists.

Harry Potter made me a pervert...

Really!  I never thought of myself as a perv.  I mean, sure, I'm adventurous, but in a relatively mundane kind of way.  Until I was watching "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone" the other night.  Then I realized that I MUST be a pervert.  There's no other explanation for it.  I can deal with getting hot bothered by a 21 year old who looks sexy as all get out.  Especially when he's naked, even if it is with a horse.  And even when he does get a bit of the hamster penis.

Sex the French Dragon way...

Having a satisfying sex life is very important for any relationship.  And thus, I offer some excerpts from Sex and the Perfect Lover: Tao, Tantra, and the Kama Sutra by Mabel Iam.  Now, excerpts on their own would be a bit boring, I'm sure.  So I have made them more interesting by dictating them into the Dragon voice-recognition software.  Then, just for fun, I translated that into French.  Then I realized that most of my readers aren't French.  So I translated it back again.  But by then I was too lazy to go back and copy it all the way it was.  Instead, for your reading pleasure, here are some ideas for sexual positions, complete with illustrations.  (After the jump, since it's not work safe).