You know, a lot of people believe that ADD or ADHD aren't real. That they're the result of bad parenting. Or it's just normal, active kids with lazy parents who want to dope them up so that they don't have to be bothered. Or that teachers want to sedate the kids so that they'll sit quietly at their desks during the school day.
But if you've ever seen a child who genuinely has one or the other, you know it's very, very real. The Boy has ADHD. It took me years to accept that fact. He's brilliant and he's very sweet, and he's always been very, very active. But we could handle it. Even though, when he turned 10 months old, he started throwing tantrums so badly he would hold his breath until he would pass out. This happened 3 or more times PER DAY, for OVER A YEAR. Through constant adaptations in our parenting techniques, through constant and consistent discipline and guidance, he functioned. But after years of coping with these kinds of behaviors and seeing them gradually worsen, we finally gave in and, after evaluations and tests and psychiatric appointments, we put him on Ritalin. He's still a sweet and loving child, and he's still very active, but he can FUNCTION. But even though we've made progress, we sometimes have terrible, horrible days. Today was one of them.
On Tuesday evenings we go to Chick-Fil-A for kids' night. They have arts and crafts, sometimes a magician or face painting, they have balloons and the "cow" comes to visit, and they have a nice, clean, indoor play area. Since The Boy's long-acting dose has worn off by then, he takes a "booster" dose of short acting Ritalin as well. Despite that, despite having all of these outlets for his energy, he threw a tantrum. For over 30 minutes, in the restaurant, in front of people we see every week.
Think you know what a "tantrum" is? Probably not. For those of you who don't understand what it's like to live with a child with ADHD, I video taped some of his tantrum. This is only about 7 minutes of it, after I called for Uncle Walter to come get him but before he arrived to pick him up. Though he says he's "hungry," please note that his food had been available for nearly an hour, but he hadn't wanted to eat before then. He only mentioned that AFTER I restrained him.
Also, understand, I am physically pretty injured. My wrist is weakened and has lost a good portion of its mobility. My back, which had already been giving me long-term problems, was injured worse in the car accident that also injured my wrist more and gave me "Post-Concussion Syndrome." So it's not like I could just get up and carry him out. And holding him, trying to keep him from flailing and kicking, is physically hard enough as it is.
People think AD/H/D means the kids can't focus, that they lose interest immediately in things. Well, sometimes that's right. But the flip side is that the kids canNOT control themselves. They lose control over their emotions, over their body, over the volume of their voice. Additionally, once they get an idea into their heads, it's nearly impossible to get it OUT of their heads. If that idea is to throw a tantrum, well, you haven't seen a tantrum until you've seen one that's lasted 5 hours. This one didn't, but this also isn't nearly the worst tantrum we've had.
So... before you insist that AD/H/D is a figment of someone's imagination, before you decide it doesn't exist or it's just a result of bad parenting, watch this video (or, rather, listen to it, since all you really see is my pants leg). Think REALLY HARD about how YOU think YOU would handle this. Would you raise your voice? Would you spank? Sure, it's easy to say you'd just leave, but aside from the fact that it would mean that The Girl would have to go when she was otherwise having fun, *I* couldn't GET HIM OUT THE DOOR because of my physical limitations. Hard to carry a SIX AND A HALF YEAR OLD while walking with a cane! I did the best I could by restraining him and by having Uncle Walter come get him. And the place was pretty loud, so it's not like we disturbed *everyone* (a lot of the people who worked there didn't know what had happened until well after the fact).
After he left, I cried a bit. It's so physically exhausting and emotionally draining to deal with something like this. It makes you feel like a bad parent. It makes you feel like there's something WRONG with you and/or your child. The looks other parents give you, when they have no idea what is actually wrong... Well, like I said, it's hard. It's hard to cope with it, and it's hard to face that kind of condemnation. Being a parent is difficult enough without also having to cope with the emotional issues of our children -- and then face condemnation and judgment for it.
I swear, if it weren't for the fact that The Girl is so well behaved, so articulate, so "normal," I would wonder what the fuck I was doing wrong.
My 8 year old son is in Special Education, has borderline ADHD and also has ODD (which I previously had dismissed as kids who are in need of a lot of discipline but I now realize is very, very real). He acts out in school - and I mean he kicks, hits, bites, spits and throws (food, chairs, whatever - and he is considered "small" for his age). I understand exactly what you are going through. I am seeing his doctor next month and I am hoping we can start some kind of medication. If that is something that will help him, I have no problem with it. We take medication when we are sick, why not something that helps a child (and adults) cope with their behavioral issues. No one can judge who has not been there themselves. I wish you and your son all the best, you are doing a great job!
Posted by: Jeannie S. | 11/16/2011 at 11:20 AM
Thank you, Jeannie. I'm sorry you're having to go through such a stressful time yourself. Your son is very lucky to have a mom like you. So many parents are unwilling to address their children's needs. Just today the principal mentioned how nice it was to deal with parents who accepted their child's limitations and weren't in denial about their behavior. I love my son. But sometimes he drives me completely batty!
Posted by: The Wife | 11/16/2011 at 04:52 PM