So, someone I know directed me to a website to view some of her photos. myYearbook is apparently a social networking site of some sort -- or, rather a bit of an "I'm desperate and need to find someone to screw with NOW." I suppose I can understand that to some degree. I mean, people do get lonely.
But really... All I did was create a profile. That's it. Just entered in my name and zip code, then uploaded my usual photo (granted, it is a nice photo and does reveal some fantastic cleavage, but still). About 2 seconds after that, I became absolutely inundated with "Friend" requests, comments, anonymous (and not so anonymous) questions, and messages.
But, see, I take my enjoyment where I can get it, so I decided to watch the comedy unfold. It began when I started receiving "questions." What kind of questions, you might ask? Don't worry, I'll share it with you:
Q: Hey you look hot very hot
How else could I respond?
A: That's not really a question.
That doesn't discourage him, oh no, not our own Curious George:
Q: Can I ask you want the most bad thing you did
Wow. Really?
A: Well, you can ASK. "Bad" is a relative term. I am directly responsible for someone's death. Does that count as "bad"?
Which he follows up with:
Q: Sorry to here that can i ask you how big is your chest and do you love porn
Wow. Aren't you just creaming your shorts?
A: Well... again... you can ask. :-P
And then, again, same guy:
Q: You look hot
A: Thank you, but that's still not a question.
It doesn't end! He is determined, you see:
Q: Can you send me a picture of them
A: I *could.* But no, I won't.
Oh, boy! Even more! He just can't give up:
Q: Are you single and do you like porn i do please i send you a picture of mgy dick it vedry big
A: Does this work on ANYONE? I'm a halfway attractive woman. I have no incentive to send naked pics. Because as a halfway attractive woman I can get a man when & if I want. You're welcome to send me a picture of your penis as I enjoy looking at penises. But why ask for pics when I can get it for real?
Ah, but this is a man certain of his attractiveness and appeal! (What? That's not a face to make you swoon? Surely his "vedry big" dick can make up for... uh... that? Didn't think so.)
Q: Sorry if i ask you that ok do ygou want to be friends
A: I don't even know how to answer this. I'm not a very nice person. I doubt we have anything in common, and I kind of find your behavior a bit laughable. Would you really want a friend like that?
I think he may have finally taken the hint, as he hasn't posted again (spoke too soon. See further down). Someone else asked this (and at least he's literate!):
Q: Hi, please know this is NOT meant as an indecent request: do you plan to upload anymore photos?
A: I don't know. I only joined this site because an acquaintance directed me here to see some photos. Within minutes of signing up I was bombarded by random men who apparently think that I am *incredibly* desperate. I'm not. I'm finding it amusing for the time being, but that may not last...
In fairness to him, he did back off right away once I told him I was married. He obviously believes this precludes any interest I might have in communicating with other men. I did not disabuse him of this notion.
Lest you think this is an aberration to the one man posting in that single format, here are some direct messages I've received:
Subject: (No Subject)
N: Hey
Me: Hello...?
N: How are u??
Me: I'm okay. And you?
N: Fine
N: Are u single?
Me: No, I'm married. Have 2 kids. House in the suburbs. Drive a minivan.
N: I'm happy for u:):):):):)
Me: I can't complain. :)
N: I been single all my life...
Me: I was for half my life. :-P
N: U are a very beautiful woman
Me: Thank you.
N: Anytime
N: I'm a nice guy to meet
Me: I'm sure you are.
N: What can I ask u??
N: I'm
Me: I don't know what you mean. What do you want to ask?
N: What can I ask u
Me: I can't really help you with that one, dude.
N: k
Wow! What scintillating conversation! I know that I'm now all hot and bothered and ready to go! Wouldn't you be? As you can see, I'm not really encouraging of it. I respond, but not in a way to make conversation easy. Wait, though!
Subject: hi sexey
Msg: hi sexey
I think I'm in love. I suspect I'm going to wind up with a harem:
Subject: Hello
Msg: Thanks for the add. How are you doing today?
Me: I'm fine. And you?
E: Not bad at all, thanks, what are you up to today?
Me: Getting ready to make lunch and then get the kids from school.
E: what's for lunch? Want some company?
Me: Piece of pizza. And while I appreciate the offer, no, I'm fine, thanks.
E: Are you single?
Me: No, I'm happily married.
E: So am I, so now I understand why you wouldn't want the company. How many kids and how old are they?
(I love how he sees my being married as an explaination, yet he doesn't see that as a reason for him not to try to meet up.)
Me: I have an 8 year old girl and a 6 year old boy.
E: Cool, my boys are 2 years and 6 months, how long you been married for?
Me: Over 10 years now. Those are both fun ages. Enjoy them!
E: Believe me, that is all I do when I am at home. What do you do for a living?
Me: Stay at home mom.
E: very nice, my wife stays at home as well. I feel it is better for the kids.
(So now I am annoyed on his wife's behalf. She's stuck home with the kids while he's out poking around for some strange?)
Me: So what would she be doing while you offer to go have lunch with random women you've just met on the internet? Watching the kids? Man. Sounds fun for her.
E: LOL, it was just a offer, would never follow through with it
(This is the face-saving answer of all men who have been turned down. Once you've said no, they're never serious.)
Me: Then where is she and what is she doing while you're sending out messages with offers you don't mean? 'Cause my husband's at work, I know where he is. And he knows where I am and what I'm doing. No secrets.
E: She is at home taking care of the kids while I am at work.
(Real class act E here is, isn't he? He's trying to make booty-calls while the "little woman" is stuck at home. Great guy. I totally want him now.)
Me: And does she know how you're spending your time at "work"?
E: yupe, I tell her what I did all day when I get home
(What? You don't believe him? I'm sure he wouldn't lie or anything!)
This is not limited to this site, however. Let me share with you a recent message exchange from Facebook:
S: Wow. I will love to suck your boobs.
Me: Um... Thanks?
S: Oh baby you are so sexy. I just wanna suck your soft nipples and suck your Pussy.
(Apparently "Pussy" is a proper noun!)
Me: Does this work on anyone?
S: Ya this can be work on you.
Me: Or, you know, it could make me laugh.
S: You dont want my lips to touch yours boobs..?
Me: Not really, no. I have no shortage of men willing to do that. It kind of takes the mystique out of it.
S: K madam. Your wish. Thank you.
So polite! They're just worried about my comfort and contentment, I'm sure!
Well, darn, I know I've gotten others, but I must have accidently deleted them. Oh well.
I'd best go take a cold shower now. All this "sexey" sex talk has gotten me hot, bothered and dizzy from lust. Oh, wait, no, sorry, that's just the flu.
Edited to add: Literally moments after posting this, I received this message on Facebook:
Subject: Hey
Msg: lets see them tittys then
Edited again to add: Curious George is at it again. This is the latest "question" he has posed to me:
Q: How you been i dream that you and fuck and you seat on my face and you cum on me
A: I don't think you quite understand how this works. Maybe this will help: <"question" - noun; 1. a sentence in an interrogative form, addressed to someone in order to get information in reply.> What exactly do you expect my reply to be? I ask again: Does this work on *anyone*? It's rather sad.
Edited again to add Curious George's newest question (admit it, you were dying for another update):
Q: Am i getting you mad at me
A: Finally a question! No, I'm not mad at you. I'm a little confused, since I don't understand - at all - what you think you will accomplish with your absurd sexual comments (which are neither flattering nor sexy). Mostly, I am just highly amused by it all. I'm not sure that's what you were going for.
A question from someone different:
Q: Do you date blk men?
A: Once I figure out what a "blk" man is, I'll let you know.
Someone else:
Q: Ever let a guy cum in your mouth ?
A: Why doesn't anyone ever ask me what my favorite movies are? Or what I like to read? Just because all YOU think of is sex, doesn't mean that *I* don't have other things on my mind. *shaking head* This really does nothing for me, people. Even if I WERE looking for sex, this isn't how I'd go about it.
And, of course, the latest from CG:
Q: I really think you are hot i would love to see your tits
A: Get used to disappointment. I suspect you will be experiencing a lot of it in your life.
New Update! From a different guy now, sent by message:
Subject: dam ur gorgeous u ...
Msg: dam ur gorgeous u shud tell the guys after u to back off let them know theres a new sherif in town an im bad ass like walker texas ranger
(Because nothing says "sexey" like an aging Chuck Norris!)
Me: Well, thank you.
j: ur very sexy i saw u on here an was like dam i gotta talk 2 her
Me: Thank you.
j: are u single gorgeous
Me: Nope. Happily married.
j: that is one lucky man
Me: He seems to think so. :)
j: sounds like a very smart man
Me: Very much so. I'm the one who feels lucky.
j: sounds like ur def off the market then
Me: Yup.
j: that blows
Me: I think it's pretty awesome personally.
j: for u yes for me no lol
Me: Depends on what you thought you could get out of it.
j: well looking for a friend with benefits
Me: Then, perhaps, looking for a particular friend would be a good place to start.
j: yes it wud, can u help me lol
Me: I don't see how I possibly could.
j: well that suxs
Me: I'm sure you're able to make friends well enough.
j: u r just so sexy i am interested in you
Me: That's very flattering.
Update: I just got a "friend" request from someone whose profile picture is a MUG SHOT. I just declined that one out right. I don't mind futzing around on the site, but that just isn't worth it. I wish I'd saved his picture though. That would have been funny.
Q: Is there grass on the field?
A: I don't play sports.
R: Not talkin bout sports love...its my way of seein if u maintain ur lawn dear
(Just in case I didn't understand his meaning.)
Me: I know. I was being disingenuous.
AW: wow u have any morals R. Get a life R!!!!!!
R: Atleast im respectful bout it...my life starts after work..
Me: Do you really consider it respectful? Would you approach a woman at a bar and ask her about her vulvar grooming habits? Or her underwear choices? Or what she associates her "flavor" with? (Those are other questions he asked.) I seriously doubt it, since that would likely gain you a lap full of Bud Lite. I've answered all questions in a deliberately obtuse way, or in an honest way that sort of deflates the "sex appeal" of the question (generally by sounding educational at best). And I've done so for a reason. That reason being that I'm not attempting to encourage any of this. I could just delete the account, but for the time being it's highly amusing.
Q: Thongs or commando?
A: Neither
(Ah, but this is too tempting! He can't figure out what I could possibly mean!)
R: Damn...then what I got to know ;)
Me: I doubt it -- most women don't generally wear "sexy" panties. I'm a busy mom. I go for comfort and health over trying to impress anyone.
R: Nice answer...i got the image now
(So then I decide to provide a little education to the men reading.)
Me: I suspect that any woman over the age of 30, especially a married woman, let alone a mother, who answers either of those options is lying to you. Just an FYI.
R: I can picture a cotton deal on ya ;)
Me: You must have a very vivid imagination, especially considering that my picture shows nothing below mid-torso.
R: I do have a imagination
Q: If u was a piece of candy what flavor would it be?
A: Cherry.
(I happen to really like the flavor. Candy, kool aid, soda, yogurt, whatever, I like cherry!)
R: Everybody is cherry or chocolate covered something lol
Me: I just happen to like the flavor cherry (or black cherry in the case of Kool Aid). It's either that or grape. Can't stand artificial orange flavor. For specialty candies I prefer butterscotch. I imagine that most people think of it in a sexual sense, but I took your question to mean candy. Didn't even think of chocolate, since I had hard candies in mind.
R: Lol yes the question means hard candy...no offense but if I sucked on u...u would taste like the flavor u said
(I like how he prefaces it with "no offense" -- just to make sure he's being all "respectful" in his sex talk.)
Me: I would hope I woudn't taste like fruit. Or sugar. Or candy in general. I'm more inclined to say my flavor is uniquely mine.
R: So what would it be? And don't say sour puss lol
('Cause if you don't play along, you're a bitter old hag?)
Me: I don't think someone can adequately describe what another person tastes like. In my experience, assuming the person is CLEAN, each person has their own unique "flavor" and as long as their pheromones are pleasing, their taste will be too.
R: Im sure ur quite the treat... and u speak proper I love it...to bad ur married...im sure we could beauty and the beast lmao
(I "speak proper," which is apparently a turn on to someone who doesn't speak properly.)
Me: On the contrary, I feel very lucky to be married, especially to the man I've married.
(Uncle Walter rocks! I love that he thinks this is as funny as I do.)
Totally LOL at this one:
Subject: Do you have sexy t...
Message: Do you have sexy toes?
Me: I... uh... well... I... don't know.
d: well show them to me and i will tell you.Do you have yahoo?
Me: Ha! Not likely! I don't IM.
d: ok do you like your butthole licked.
Me: ... *crickets chirping*
d: My tongue is chirping
Me: Your tongue... has... crickets?
d: It moves like a cricket
Me: It jumps forward a foot at a time? That must make talking awkward.
d: I will make it do it in your booty
Me: That sounds very unpleasant.
d: well i will go to the other side
Me: That sounds pretty unpleasant, too.
D's from Georgia, and this is what he has to say about himself:
I am layed back and easy to get along with and i am a respectable kind of guy.I work hard and love to have fun.I am like most guys I like football,fishing,and racing but i am a real man and I know how to treat a woman.
('Cause real men are all about salad tossing!)
Curious George is at it again:
Q: I am horney can you help me
A: Oh, dear lord. Not again. Dude. Really?
But he is not to be deterred!
Q: Can you help me please
A: http://www.nami.org
(In case you're not up for clicking on it, that takes you to the website for the National Alliance on Mental Illness. I thought it was a nice touch, but Uncle Walter thinks I was being too mean. Either way, CG there doesn't get it, as evidenced by his next question.)
Q: Want that a adult video place
A: LOL Really? Click on the link. I think they may be able to help you. Or, rather, at least better than I ever could.
(UW totally tells me I'm being way too mean.)
Probably a final update...
No Subject
Msg. G: Do you engoy a penis between your breasts?????
Me: And hello there to you, too.
Oh, this made my morning. I was LMAO. I haven't had perverts like that since I was a regular on myspace. If you really want to laugh at desperate men, log in to any of the yahoo game rooms (Yes, really. Poker or anything.) and watch the conversations or just say hello to the room and watch the pervs come out.
Posted by: Sara Winters | 03/29/2011 at 11:16 AM
I gotta say, that would almost feel like I was seeking out the attention. In this case, every single contact has been unsolicited. All of my responses have been non-committal and deliberately obtuse (I'm going to have to update it with the latest, too). It just keeps happening! How desperate can these people possibly be???
Posted by: The Wife | 03/29/2011 at 12:29 PM
A: Really desperate, apparently.
Posted by: Dylan C | 01/21/2012 at 09:02 PM
Freakishly so. It's scary.
Posted by: The Wife | 01/21/2012 at 10:09 PM