So, if you can believe this... Uncle Walter picked up a couple of old Penthouse magazines the other day. I know! I couldn't believe it either! Anyway, I was thumbing through one from January 2007. I won't give you the old BS about only reading it for the articles. I mean, I DO read the articles, but the pictures are still nice. In this particular issue, like others, the articles are all sex themed.
The first article is titled "Five Ways to Supersize Your Sex Drive," which primarily involves food. There is advice such as to get sweaty during sex so that your skin will be more receptive to sensation. This is followed up with the brilliant realization "don't overdo it -- if you get too hot, you'll feel burned out instead of turned on." Uhhhhh.... duh.
This article is on the left page. The right page has "Top 10 First Date Conversation Killers." Like don't talk about death. Again, shockingly obvious! Really, don't bum out your first date? Then again, you're not supposed to talk about your family or the weather, either. Or Religion. Or Politics. Or your childhood. Or your health history. Or Money. Or Sex. So... um... what ARE you supposed to talk about? Quite frankly, I disagree with every single one of these things. These are some pretty heavy deal breakers (well, except for the weather, unless you find the temperature offensive). I think you SHOULD talk about these things, or at least touch on the topics, so that you can find out if you're compatible at all. But I tend to be a bit more realistic than most. At least theoretically.
The next article of note is about that mythical event (for others -- Uncle Walter is a pro!): Foreplay. and the fabled Manly "Moan Zone." Yes, this is as absurd as it sounds. Especially with the androgynous diagrams that Penthouse includes. You should also... get this... listen carefully because it's a big secret... HUG! GET OUT OF HERE! Really? Nah! Really?! And some men like nipple stimulation. But some men don't. But you won't know which until you try. But he might not like it. You just can't tell. They even delve into the (shhhh!) naughty, by indicating that some light slapping may be in order. What a daring magazine Penthouse is!
And finally, there is "Surprisingly Sexy." Where we discover "unusual" things that are erotic. Like the missionary position. Or fingers. Or... ding ding, we have a weiner! "Teeny Weenies," those poor, misunderstood miniscule manroots. Do you know why men with tiny penises are good? Because they try harder at things like oral sex. Hmmmm... This is some pretty hard-hitting discoveries there, dear Penthouse. I can't imagine the research that must have gone into this.
Overall I rate the educational value of this magazine at a D-. It's not clever. There's nothing new to be told. And the illustrations are poor. If you need some real information, let me know and I'll give you some. I don't need to sugar coat sex to make it more palatable.
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