52 weeks of sexual stupidity, otherwise known as how to disgust your lover

I like reading books about sex.  Cause, you know, I like HAVING sex.  I like to get ideas of new things to do and new ways to pleasure Uncle Walter.  So for some reason I picked up this book.  I'm not sure why.  It was probably a freebie from Adam & Eve when I was buying some toys.

This book is rather what you'd expect.  It's a book of suggestions on how to keep your sex life exciting.  Does it live up to that claim?  Well... let us take a look at some of these suggestions, shall we?

"Aphrodite's Morning Elixer"
Especially for Him with love from Her
An often unconcious turn-on for men is your personal womanly scent.  Yes, the aroma of your vagina is the elixir of the gods to the average male! [Really?  The aroma of my vagina?  That sounds so... not sexy.]  If you dab some of your secretions behind your ears and on your neck, you will suddenly be more alluring than ever, although he won't know why.  [Because of course what you want to do is smell your own "secretions" all day.]  Be sure to give him a good long hug before he leaves in the morning so that he gets a nice long whiff. [And he can wonder about the stench. "Honey, I think it may be time to take out the garbage."]
Better yet, dab your scent on his pillow, his handkerchief, his collar, wherever his nose might be, and he'll think of you all day with desire on his mind.  [Or he'll hate you because while he's at work he has to expose everyone else to your stank.  And he can't even wash it off!] Of course, whether or not you want to fess up to your little plan is strictly up to you (wink!) [Who's he going to THINK did it???]
If you want to make it especially romantic, find time to call him during the day and tell him you've been thinking of HIM all day.  You can bet this is one night he will NOT work late! [Of course not!  He's going to be in too much of a hurry to come home and change his clothes!]

Look, I'm not one of those people who thinks that women inherently stink.  I'm not going to make some "fish" joke.  But, well, it kind of screams for one, doesn't it?  Say it with me:  Eeew.

That's not all, folks, not by a long shot.  Let's look at some others:

Popover Surprise
Especially for Her with love from Him
Men, have you ever thought about ravishing your partner like one of those hunks in the romance novels?  Well, here's your chance! [We've read The Blog we know what that's REALLY like.  Trust me, most women don't want that.]
Hide yourself in a closet or the bathroom and wait for her to walk by (or you can call her to come to you if need be).  When she reaches where you are, grab her arm and pull her gently inside. [Yeah, because all your woman wants is to be grabbed and raped in a closet.] Kiss her passionately like a boy who's never kissed before, and press your erection against her. [What, slobber all over her and ram your tongue into her mouth? Oh yes, that's some sexy!] And remember, this is illicit love that must be accomplished fast before you get caught!  [So hurry the fuck up!]  Grind against one another fully clothed.  Go ahead and finish in your pants -- make a mess! [Show her that you're a Sir Speedy AND that you don't care about her pleasure.  Two for the price of one!]
Of course, if you are both daring enough, you can try this scenario in the bathroom at a party, club or restaurant. [Just make sure she knows -- otherwise you may find yourself in a sticky situation, getting arrested for attempted rape and all.] The stakes will be much higher, and you will, of course, in this case want to reach your climax OUTSIDE your pants! [Better to leave a mess for a stranger to clean up -- or your host when s/he gets a surprise in their coat closet.]

But that's not all! There's surely SOMETHING worthwhile in this book.  Something that won't get you arrested or gross you out!

Hot Cross Buns
Have you ever wondered how the other half live?  Well, now is your chance! [Do you see where we're going with this yet?] Make plans to go our for a special dinner, but trade underwear before you leave. [Oh, yes, they DID go there.] He wears hers; she wears his. [Just in case you couldn't figure it out.] Make sure the underwear you bring to the evening will be reasonably comfortable for your partner. Better to skip the tiniest thong and the baggiest of boxers.  [How considerate!] Knowing you're in each other's skivvies, you will both be grinning all through your meal [Let's just hope there aren't any skid marks and those weren't her period undies.]
If you are a woman, this is also an opportunity to practice some creative flashing.  [We're back to trying to get arrested, eh?] If you wear a button down blouse, see if you can get a table where you can unbutton and give your man a quick glimpse of cleavage when you lean toward him.  As you excuse yourself to the restroom, let your dress creep up to show him just a hint of his underwear on your body. [Because whitie-tighties are a total turn on.] If you are REALLY daring, try the foot on his crotch routine under the table, or ask him to pick up your fork under the table only to give him a peek under your dress. [Oh yeah, after flashing, this is REALLY daring.] You certainly do not want to get kicked out of the restaurant, but if you're discreet no one will notice what you are doing.  You can eat your meal seductively, licking your lips and fingers while gazing into his eyes.  You can even "accidentally" brush your nipple erect through your blouse as you reach for your wine glass.
After all of this teasing, you will want to skip dessert and make your own!  One of you should excuse himself or herself to the restroom. [Who WOULDN'T want to have sex in a dirty public restroom?] (Stake it out ahead of time so that you know exactly which one you will visit.)  After a couple of minutes, meet your parter in the restroom, and treat yourselves to a "must have you right here, right now!" quickie (with lubricant assistance, of course).  [I thought you were supposed to be all hot and bothered all ready?]  Switch your underwear back to their rightful owners, and leave the restaurant the happiest couple in the room. [Definitely happier than the poor sap who has to clean up after you.]

Now...  Don't you feel much better?  Completely turned on?  Totally horny??  Well, find you some secretions, get your cross-dressing ass down to a public restroom and rape someone!  Pronto!

Comments

[Laura]

Those are terrible suggestions! Wrist braces and mouth guards are sexier than that. I will NOT be trying these at home :O

[The Queen of the Blog]

Of course not! You're supposed to do them at the RESTAURANT. Aren't you reading???

[Laura]

I was referring mostly to the first one. Can you imagine sending your honey off to work with you special scent on his collar? I will say it...eeewww!

And I've worn my honey's boxers before but if he ever wore my underwear, well he wouldn't, not even on a bet. But if he did, I would have some serious questions for him.

[The Queen of the Blog]

No, no I can't imagine that. Aside from all else, what they *supposedly* like is the AROUSED scent -- not just random "secretions" you have throughout the day.

I've thrown a pair of boxers on over my underwear. I have never worn his tightie whities, though.

[jtlitch]

Wow, that has me so hot under the collar... Hopefully my love bunny is reading... I must borrow that book! Good post.

[The Queen of the Blog]

You may borrow the book. I will have UW bring it in tomorrow. It's... not very good.

[Gissel]

Personally, I don't even want to know what else that books says. It's kinda creepy...

[Olivia]

This book is horrible. Kinda reminds me of the Simpsons when they tried wooing each other, but that wasn't half as bad as this.

[The Queen of the Blog]

Olivia, Nobody Loves Oily Homer... or, All we wanted was some time to ourselves and now the floor is made of lava.

Gissel, It IS creepy. I'm kind of ashamed to own it.

[Bronny]

WE could do better then those suggestions. Very 70s.

[The Queen of the Blog]

What, you mean these aren't GOOD? I coulda sworn they were *excellent* suggestions.

[Matt]

Wow.. yuck.
I had a coworker (Cow Orker!) who did the 'secretions' thing all over the guardshack.
She even blessed the phone handsets with her special sauce.
I spent the better part of four hours one fine day wiping all the surfaces down with PDI sanitary cloths because of her.
Let's just say she had a fairly offensive odor, left mayonnaise like goo behind, and looked like a slightly reduced Rosie O'Donnell.
She also had zero butt.
(Baby DON'T got back, or much of anything else for the matter. Body form of a Golf tee, all head, shoulders, reducing doen to chicken legs and ankles.)
She had an overly exaggerated sense of how attractive she was, and chased everything that was even remotely male.
(If she'd been good looking and didn't leave behind a stink similar to milk, that'd be one thing. But she wasm't even remotely good looking by any stretch of the imagination.)

Did I mention she was also crazy?
Now I know what suggestions she read.
Ick.

[The Queen of the Blog]

Matt, you have led an all-too strange life. It seems to mirror mine. We must become friends.

[Matt]

LOL, I long ago figured that I was a "bizarre" magnet.
Weird things happen to and around me for no reason.
Take my car for example.
Every time it gets washed, something breaks.
Cash registers experience trouble if I am within ten feet of them.
It's weird.
But still, that coworker I had, what the heck was wrong with her?!
I mean, using the phone handsets as personal devices AT WORK and leaving gunk on everything?
And what kind of medical condition did she have that would leave a rotten milk smell everywhere?
She now works for a different company somewhere in Newburgh NY.
Thank God..(As they say.)

[The Queen of the Blog]

I have no idea what would have been wrong with her. Mental disorder of some sort, for sure.

I used to work at a bagel shop. The cash register drawer would NEVER open right. Except if the total came to $6.66. THEN it worked. One of the people who worked with me is a friend of mine on Facebook. He can attest to it!

UW's sister has some weird electro-magnetic thing going on where every electronic device around her breaks for no apparent reason. Like watches and such.

[Matt]

LOL, possessed cash reister.
The former coworker is still making life hard for some of the guys I work with.

If a magnetic field, or electrical charge is high enough, I can tell where it is and in what direction.
Thunderstorms are fun, it feels like a wave washing over you.
Had an MRI done on my one knee, I felt the machine working.
The technician asked me if I'm okay.
I asked him if he'd just hit the pickle switch three times.
He frowned and said yes.

[The Queen of the Blog]

So it IS an electromagnetic thing! I knew it! Her car keeps going wonky, and her cell phones stop working fairly quickly. I imagine it's fairly frustrating.

[Matt]

Yes, it is quite frustrating.
That's the second reason I don't work on elevators.
(First being that you get electrocuted quite often. Because you often have to work on the equipment while it's live.)
I've killed six watches, though one wasn't me, it was the firefinder radar at Fort Drum.

[The Queen of the Blog]

UW had a finger crushed in a freight elevator. He seems to avoid them more now.