Sex Education For Girls...

As a follow up to yesterday's post, we now bring you sex education for girls.  Okay, guys, we mean it!  No cheating!  This is for girls only!

First, we must show the ideal woman:

Yes, the ideal woman has very little hair, a near monoboob, and a bush that you could use for topiary.  Isn't she gorgeous?   Of course she is.  This is the beauty you should always strive for.  Ignore her despondant, far off, tortured expression.

I know what you're really asking, though.  What does a woman look like on *whisper* the inside??

 Notice the blood just oozing out of her. That, dear girls, is menstruation.  And that is all you need to know.  Really, there's not much else about it.

But not to be unfair to the girls, here is what boys look like:

If you have any questions, please feel free to do just this -- stare enraptured at your younger brother's crotch while he's in the tub.  It won't make him feel uncomfortable or anything.  And your mom won't get mad.  Who would find this disturbing??

And that is all you REALLY need to know.  You don't think so?  Well... okay, you're right.  There is just a little more you need to know.

This is how you have sex.  That's right.  There's nothing more to it.  You will get smooshed, have a transparant leg, and no feet or head.  You will, unfortunately, enjoy this about as much as it looks like you will.  Especially with a guy that poorly endowed.  I'm not sure what happened to the rest of her internal organs, but this is all the important bits.  Please take note of the random boob.  This is so you know which is the man and which is the woman.  I'm sure it helps.

Any questions?  No?  Good.  Because I have some more things to cover, you see.  Eventually you will experience the wonders of your first crush.  This picture explains it all.  A crush is when a weird older woman teacher has the hots for you.

Don't worry about  your friends.  They may be jealous, but the cougar will soon move on to other prey.

Does this make you question your sexuality?  It might, but don't worry, I have some information for you on just that topic! 

How do you know if you're gay?  It's simple to tell, really.

If you are more interested in the boob that the little girl is pointing at, than the ice cream that the Fonzi look alike is bringing you?  Yeah, then you're gay.

If that's the case, don't worry about birth control, cause you can't make a baby with a matching set.

If, however, you find that you are NOT gay, you must use birth control before having sex.  Here are the devices available:

Through tube socks, toothpaste and doughnuts, of course!  Now, we're not going to actually tell you what to DO with the tube sock, toothpaste and doughnut.  We'll leave that up to the boys to teach you.  Because we all know how eager a boy will be to use protection.  And we're only teaching it to them.

What, that's not helpful??? Okay, we'll let you in on a few more secrets.  That thing that looks like a plate?  That's a sperm trampoline.  And that thing that looks like a clam eating some tic-tacs?  That is your standard pack of birth control pills.

This is all self-explanatory, isn't it?  Good.  I knew it would be.

We're almost done!  I'm sure you want to knw what to do when the babies eventually come.  As they will when you realize that toothpaste, tube socks, trampolines, doughnuts and clams don't REALLY stop babies.

Instead, this is what you'll face:

Pay no attention to how stretched out and bulbous your vagina will become.  I'm sure it will bounce right back into a tight, virginal opening again.

 First, the doctor will perform the necessary surgery of leg amputation.  How else will he be able to see the baby coming out?  I'm sure he'll be able to sew that leg right back on when he's done.

Then you will expell the baby from your body.  This will not hurt at all.  Surely if it hurt there would be SOME expression on this woman's face.  We all know that pictures don't lie.

Since the labor will be painless and easy, and all that swelling will go down, you will, of course, find yourself pregnant many more times.

Ultimately you will have to find something to do with your children, but don't worry.  We have an answer to that as well.

What will you do, then, you might ask?

Pimp them out, of course!  You'll dress them smartly, and hang out on the steps to haggle the prices for their favors.

That's what a good parent would do.  And after all, they have to earn their keep somehow, don't they? Selfish little buggers thinking that they can mooch off of you indefinitely!

Don't be a pushover.  They'll come to like it in time.  Don't even ask what they plan on doing with the dog.  You REALLY don't want to know that.

Comments

[Laura]

That was fun. I learned so much. Like the sperm trampoline. No sound effects for the girls though, huh? And why does the baby explanations only come up for the girls' version of sex ed?

If men had the babies, birth control would be free and 100% foolproof. Food for thought...

[The Queen of the Blog]

No sound effects. But that's because only boys need to learn about the sperm that's trying to take over the world. i lv fus AA

[Laura]

Did you fall asleep at the end of that comment or are my eyes playing tricks on me?

[The Queen of the Blog]

LOL Yes, I fell asleep. Sheesh. I fell asleep twice while writing the post itself. I fell asleep while replying at Amazon. I fell asleep while replying at GR. I will be going to sleep soon, but I'm waiting until the kids are fully quiet.

Not your imaginations at all. The wonder is that I hit post!

[Laura]

LOL, you threw me, usually you end with kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
Hope you get some rest :)

[The Queen of the Blog]

I will as soon as I write my new post. The muse is just in short supply today.

[Gissel]

So, what the f*** is an orgasm? You didn't explain, and I'm confused...

[Laura]

Gissel,

LOL!

Personally I'm interested in Jen's explanation here...

[The Queen of the Blog]

What is this orgasm of which you speak? There was no mention of an orgasm, therefore it must not exist!

[Gissel]

Oh. Is it then like Santa Claus?

[The Queen of the Blog]

I don't know -- they didn't mention Santa, either.

[Gissel]

Do you think it would be okay if I ask Santa for an orgasm next Christmas?

[The Queen of the Blog]

Why, do you get your jollies from fat men?

If the orgasm doesn't seem to exist, I can't see how asking would get you anything, but it can't hurt to ask.

[Gissel]

Well, Santa doesn't seem to exist, so it makes sense that I ask him something that doesn't seem to exist either :-D

"Why, do you get your jollies from fat men?" I don't get the meaning of this sentence, because you never explained what an orgasm is. Maybe some kind of sex toy? (another reason to ask Santa for it!).

[The Queen of the Blog]

I have a "jelly" toy, but not a "jolly" toy -- though all make me happy. :D

Are you going to sit on Santa's lap when you ask him??

[Gissel]

Sure I will! And I'll tell my mom to take a photo of his face when I ask the question :-D

[The Queen of the Blog]

I'd pay good money to see that.

[Olivia]

But I still don't know what an orgasm is! Is it like when I walk into Mummys room without knocking and they are wrestling?

[The Queen of the Blog]

No, more than likely she's completely unsatisfied by the experience.

[horny teenager]

I'm a man, and I loved thisssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss..................

[The Wife]

Dear Horny Teenager,

I hope you have taken the time to read the boy's sex education post as well, which can be found here: http://www.myrna.info/2009/08/sex-education-for-boys.html It is vitally important to get a well rounded education. Thank you for visiting my blog!

[katrina]

hehehehhehe i enjoyed looking at the little boys penis :P

[The Wife]

Who wouldn't? I know it's MY favorite pastime. Well, except for the "little boy" part. Personally, I'm more inclined to go with "big" and "man," but this IS for educational purposes, after all.